My first day at Microsoft started with a war. But it taught me everything I needed to know about surviving a snake pit—and becoming a People Whisperer.
Interesting adages. I've definitely spent too much of my career fighting with logic, even though, on a deeper level, I'm aware that logic isn't usually the key. Navigating the world by going down all these esoteric wormholes of subconscious bias might be the only way to win friends and influence people, but it sure does suck sometimes. None of us seem to make it easy for each other to connect and find a frequency that is mutually beneficial.
Navigating through biases and insecurities can feel exhausting, but it’s often the only way to truly influence and build trust.
The one who initiates the right frequency and maintains it is the leader in the situation. This is why leadership isn’t a title—it’s a choice in the moment.
Insecurity doesn’t like the spotlight. It hides until it feels safe—until they trust you won’t use it against them.
To step into their insecurity, you need to show vulnerability first. Share a moment where you didn’t get it right—maybe you missed a deadline or received tough feedback. The deeper you go, the deeper they’ll go. If you want them to open up, you have to lead with your own vulnerability.
And when they do share, don’t judge it. Don’t say, “That’s the wrong way to think.” Just listen.
This helps you step into their insecurity, but it’s not the full solution. Challenging them comes next—and that’s a whole other post. Stay tuned.
Thank you for this article! I feel like you really helped me gain some perspective about how one can use their empathy to not only understand others, but to gain trust in an environment where there is none. That is a superpower that I feel a lot of us have, but we lack the tools and guidance to use to our advantage.
I’m glad this resonated with you! Empathy is a superpower, especially in environments where trust is hard to find. The key is learning how to use it strategically—to both understand and build bridges where others can’t.
Once you start using it intentionally, it becomes one of the most powerful tools in any workplace.
There’s a lot behind it, and I’ll be sharing more through real interactions I’ve had. But here’s the essence—it’s more about us than them.
How do you keep giving without expecting anything in return?
How do you not take it personally when they blame you or shut you out—even after you’ve helped them?
It’s tempting to say, "No thanks, I’m done." But real power is learning how to program yourself so it doesn’t drain your mental energy.
Thanks for asking—it’s a tough topic, and one that’s at the core of leadership. Leadership isn’t easy—but that’s what makes it so valuable to all of us.
When do you know enough is enough. I went through a very similar situation recently. I tried very hard to make allies and in the end I figured it’s not worth it and moved on. My experience had been rough. it’s very hard to wipe off the formed opinions and subconscious biases just alone with your effort, unless folks are open to change.
Thanks for sharing that different perspective. If people want to be toxic, that‘s on them. How you respond, that‘s on you.
I‘m curious about the timeline of your strategy. You were definitely playing the long game and it must habe taken a long time to build that foundation and start ripping the benefits. I imagine it got worse before it got better.
Can you speak a bit about roughly how long it took to:
I started discovering the place right away. HR had warned us in the orientation about the past culture and to be patient. Some people became friends with a couple of meet ups, some doubted more. I worked there for 3 years and had 5 bosses. That’s another story. I’ll be sharing more in future posts.
This is the most toxic thing I've read about any company culture. It's worse than amazon. I'm so thankful I work at Google. Microsoft needs to do better, what a shame..
"Toxic" has unfortunately become a buzzword and can mean many things. What is described as "toxic" in the text is more due to how individuals react to pressure at the workplace or how work culture and open communication (or the lack thereof) affects people. I agree with the author that - to a certain extent - you can positively influence this with your own behaviour. When it gets really "toxic" though, e.g. bullying or bossing, micro-management, mushroom management, favoritism, discrimination or misogyny - and if you don't get support from superiors or the staff delegation (if there is one), it's better to take the consequences and look for a better alternative elsewhere as soon as possible.
Interesting adages. I've definitely spent too much of my career fighting with logic, even though, on a deeper level, I'm aware that logic isn't usually the key. Navigating the world by going down all these esoteric wormholes of subconscious bias might be the only way to win friends and influence people, but it sure does suck sometimes. None of us seem to make it easy for each other to connect and find a frequency that is mutually beneficial.
Logic alone rarely connects us on a deeper level.
Navigating through biases and insecurities can feel exhausting, but it’s often the only way to truly influence and build trust.
The one who initiates the right frequency and maintains it is the leader in the situation. This is why leadership isn’t a title—it’s a choice in the moment.
How do you step into their insecurity?
Insecurity doesn’t like the spotlight. It hides until it feels safe—until they trust you won’t use it against them.
To step into their insecurity, you need to show vulnerability first. Share a moment where you didn’t get it right—maybe you missed a deadline or received tough feedback. The deeper you go, the deeper they’ll go. If you want them to open up, you have to lead with your own vulnerability.
And when they do share, don’t judge it. Don’t say, “That’s the wrong way to think.” Just listen.
This helps you step into their insecurity, but it’s not the full solution. Challenging them comes next—and that’s a whole other post. Stay tuned.
Will look out for your next article on this subject thank you
Thank you for this article! I feel like you really helped me gain some perspective about how one can use their empathy to not only understand others, but to gain trust in an environment where there is none. That is a superpower that I feel a lot of us have, but we lack the tools and guidance to use to our advantage.
I’m glad this resonated with you! Empathy is a superpower, especially in environments where trust is hard to find. The key is learning how to use it strategically—to both understand and build bridges where others can’t.
Once you start using it intentionally, it becomes one of the most powerful tools in any workplace.
Curious, what exactly is "Outlasting their fears"? Loved the article! Thank you for the nuggets of gold.
There’s a lot behind it, and I’ll be sharing more through real interactions I’ve had. But here’s the essence—it’s more about us than them.
How do you keep giving without expecting anything in return?
How do you not take it personally when they blame you or shut you out—even after you’ve helped them?
It’s tempting to say, "No thanks, I’m done." But real power is learning how to program yourself so it doesn’t drain your mental energy.
Thanks for asking—it’s a tough topic, and one that’s at the core of leadership. Leadership isn’t easy—but that’s what makes it so valuable to all of us.
Would you recommend any books that can help with this topic.... dealing with toxic seniors
You’ll need to learn how to work with the emotional mind. Three books that I recommend:
1. The Happiness Hypothesis
2. The Elephant in the Brain
3. The Power of Vulnerability
When do you know enough is enough. I went through a very similar situation recently. I tried very hard to make allies and in the end I figured it’s not worth it and moved on. My experience had been rough. it’s very hard to wipe off the formed opinions and subconscious biases just alone with your effort, unless folks are open to change.
“And that's when the walls came down. Not because I agreed with him but because he felt truly understood.“ Spot on! Empathy does disarm:)
Thanks, Alexia. It breaks down barriers faster than any argument ever could!
A company firing managers is not really toxic. A real toxic workplace fires ICs and protects management inner circle
Good tips and I agree on creating trust as a strategy.
Your summaries are just too high level. I think more tangible examples would be helpful to understand some of your learnings.
Thanks. I will write a series on my Microsoft experience sharing details of key moments.
Great insight...hopefully, Microsoft has become a better place to work.
Wow
Amazing tool kit, to survive in a toxic work environment.
Being in a toxic work environment a couple of times, I can resonate with this very well.
Your journey from first day at MS to the day of becoming a people whisperer is amazing.
Sometimes toxicity is a two way street. Identifying where we are being toxic to the team also can help us better.
Thanks for sharing that different perspective. If people want to be toxic, that‘s on them. How you respond, that‘s on you.
I‘m curious about the timeline of your strategy. You were definitely playing the long game and it must habe taken a long time to build that foundation and start ripping the benefits. I imagine it got worse before it got better.
Can you speak a bit about roughly how long it took to:
* explore the workplace
* get to know your steakholders
* understand their agendas
* build trust
* and finally making a difference?
I started discovering the place right away. HR had warned us in the orientation about the past culture and to be patient. Some people became friends with a couple of meet ups, some doubted more. I worked there for 3 years and had 5 bosses. That’s another story. I’ll be sharing more in future posts.
I worked in a toxic organization for years that had a lot of what you described. It was exhausting and I'm happy to be out.
This is the most toxic thing I've read about any company culture. It's worse than amazon. I'm so thankful I work at Google. Microsoft needs to do better, what a shame..
This was in 2016 and was the beginning of Satya’s era. He started changing these cultural practices.
"Toxic" has unfortunately become a buzzword and can mean many things. What is described as "toxic" in the text is more due to how individuals react to pressure at the workplace or how work culture and open communication (or the lack thereof) affects people. I agree with the author that - to a certain extent - you can positively influence this with your own behaviour. When it gets really "toxic" though, e.g. bullying or bossing, micro-management, mushroom management, favoritism, discrimination or misogyny - and if you don't get support from superiors or the staff delegation (if there is one), it's better to take the consequences and look for a better alternative elsewhere as soon as possible.
Fantastic read
Thanks n
An interesting perspective. It is a shame people have to work in this manner.
did you get burned-out ?
Nope. I was enjoying solving the problem of building trust.